2026/06/14- Stalling

Reading: Nothing
Watching: Botan Kamiina Fully Blossoms While Drunk
Playing: Misericorde, PMD Explorers of Time
Listening: Message to Bears

This will probably be a short entry. Or maybe not. I'm kind of writing stream of consciousness but I'm sure I'll edit a bit before posting. This year has been a mixed bag for sure. I feel the need to write about it, but also I can't be too descriptive here. I don't want to overshare and regret it later, or break the trust of anyone.

I don't exactly feel stuck or hopeless, but I do feel overwhelmed. I know life is constant change, but is there really no time to breathe? I'm trying to find the moments where I can. Cut screen time, be intentional. Journal. I should probably meditate too.

This year has been a blur and a crawl simultaneously. I feel lucky. I've been making a bit of side money from my art. I have an apartment now with just me and my girlfriend. But I feel so despondent. My girlfriend can't find a full time job, and I can't pay the rent on my own. I broke things off with one of my dearest friends after an unexpected betrayal. I feel like my friend group is splintering and falling apart. My one consistent weekly social routine for 8 years is gone. I can't confide in the same people I once did. I feel self-conscious, insecure in my relationships. I worry I'm burdening the few friends I really trust, asking too much of them. I can't afford to take my girlfriend on a nice date, and I feel like all my energy is going toward work or art. Our schedules don't line up. I feel like I miss her constantly despite us sleeping in the same bed.

I can't keep any savings, I have to borrow money or ask for advance payments from clients to buy my groceries and medication. I'm trying so hard to figure out a way to make things work. but I'm tired. I'm so tired and I know I just need to sleep and eat and rest but I already ate and I slept ten hours last night and I work tomorrow and the kitchen is a mess and I'm still behind on projects so how can I feel relaxed? I feel like I'm just barely treading water.

I know I shouldn't post this. it's off-putting, it's un-professional. I think it's just me begging for some sort of comfort. Some sort of "I've been there too" or "You're doing a good job" or "You're working so hard".. An acknowledgement of some kind. I feel so lonely. I feel so foolish and immature. I know better than to post this much on social media, at least.

I just wish there was more I could do.